Separation Anxiety

Please excuse me if this post comes about as unnecessary. But for me to move on and have a clear head I need to pour out the words in this space.

Last week Zoey started school. Obviously, the first few days were full of crying and unsettlement. I was mentally prepared for that. As I would sit outside and wait for the half hour to pass, every time a toddler came out screaming, my heart would melt as I would be sure its her crying. Mentally, I would tell myself that if she dosent settle down we withdraw her, but really we cant afford to make a pattern out of that and this time around no one will support my decision.

It was after almost 5 days of school that Zoey decided to go in crying but she pleasantly shocked me by coming out in a good mood. I took that to be a coincident. How can she settle down so quickly? Next day the same pattern followed. Even though the senior management told me that I dont need to hover around the school premises anymore, but really how can I possibly leave the school when Zoey just went in crying? Needless to say I was one of the few mothers left there who others would classify as “clingy”. I also shocked myself. I never ever thought I wouldd be “this” kind of mother. I had always wanted to be the cool one who is ok leaving the kids behind, be it going out for a dinner or to Italy for a quick getaway. For those of you who know me, I turned out to be a complete opposite.

Today, while I am typing this out, zoey is going to be in school for 3 hours. Till yesterday night I kept on reminding myself that I wont wake her up, if she wakes up on time she goes to school. I think she understood my thoughts, as always. We were up and ready to leave right in time. Did I mention that we were also excited?

When yesterday her teacher told me that Zoey will be in school for the entire time, I think my heart skipped a beat. Or maybe two. All kinds of thoughts invaded my mental space. She’s too young (but arnt all kids her age), she’s a special kid (but arnt all kids special for heir mommies), but three hours is too much (no child got killed being in school or 3 hours). I had no choice but to surrender.

I was upset when I was going in to leave her. I admit I wasnt ready to let her go for all this time. But in we went and happily she looked at me (till yesterday she would cry) and as I kissed her goodbye and told her to have a good day. She nodded her head and went in without looking back. I lingered on in the courtyard for a while. I smiled at other mothers. Made small talk with a few. Till I realized that I cant stick around there for 3 hours.

I came back in the car with tears in my eyes. I am obviously so happy about the fact that Zoey is almost settled in her new lifestyle (thn why am I crying?). Even while I am typing away I keep on looking at my phone, just to check that there is no text from school saying she needs to be picked up early (no, the phone is not on silent, but still). I guess, its time to accept that Zoey has become old enough to be independent and have a routine of her own, Allah ka shukar.

I believe that I still need to settle down in this new lifestyle. And I need to act like a parent and not cry when I leave Zoey to school. Yes, I just accepted that I cry.