Do I feel my feelings?

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How do I want to be remembered?

#week 4 #oprahblogchallenge

I saw this blog title on Jammie’s blog day before yesterday and since then I have been thinking about this question. I opened my blog to write about this quite a few times but nothing was conclusive enough to be shared. Till last evening. When my newsfeed started being flooded with the news of Dame Zaha Hadid passing away.

Zaha Hadid is a very familiar name for anyone who has anything to do with design.  A woman, who was an inspiration for millions, A feminist who believed in the power of other women, and a visionary who believed in changing the landscape of the metropolis, Hadid has some great architecture to her name.

And it was yesterday, that it hit home and I realized that’s how I wanted to be remembered, as an inspiration. Whether it is to my daughters, my friends, my co workers, my clients (who usually end up becoming friends) or people I just randomly exchange a smile with, I want to be remembered as an inspiration. As someone who makes them smile even when  they are long gone. Yes, thats exactly how I want to be remembered. Now I just need some sexy photographs of myself to be taken so they can be shared with my famous words once I am gone.

What is next?

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A new career.

Summer vacations.



Getting published. (fingers crossed).

Photographs. Lots and lots of them.

Losing weight. (wishful thinking).


New beginnings. (Books. Movies. Relationships. Thoughts. Concepts. writings).

Some more travel.

Coffee sessions with friends.


Back up plans.

And some more wonderful things!



The miracle called Zoey-ness

7 years ago, today, a very swollen me had gone for my regular pregnancy check up not knowing that I would become a mom at a days notice. Two months earlier than expected.

I remember lying in that beautiful sunny room, praying for a miracle to happen. A miracle that would make my blood pressure go down and would let me resume my pregnancy for the next two months. But god had other plans. Better ones. Zoey came in this world surrounded by family, extended family and friends who are family.

2555 days, and life has just not been the same. There have been moments of utter and sheer joy, moments when I was so overwhelmed I cried, moments when I sat in the locked bathroom just because I wanted 2 mins of alone time and moments when I had it all planned out on how I will leave it all behind and run away. But in all honesty, the moments of love have preceded all else. And here I am writing down 7 points that I have learnt in these past 7 years.

~ People say life changes when you get married. Maybe they are right. But really, change is what happens once you have a kid!

~ Nothing is a biggie. Really. Zoey was 7 months old when she had bad flu. Cough. Stuffy nose and congestion. Vicks and nebuliser were my best friends. And then came along the nasal aspirator.A mother care one. Where one end was put in the baby’s nose and the other end was used by a parent to suck. Yes. That’s what I did regularly. Till one time the boggers came into my mouth. I sucked too hard. But that too didnt make me stop. Yes. very gross. Very very gross.

~ Zoey was a born fussy eater. I was supposed to feed her every two hours. But her feed would last one hour and 42 mins. After roughly 20 mins, the cycle would start all over again. Once she was older, I would strap her down and feed her spoonsful of baby food. Only for her to spit it all out. After almost 4 years of frustration I had learnt that she will only eat what she wants and when she wants. I can only try and introduce different food options to her.

~ Sometimes persistence is not the key. Zoey started to learn french and piano some years back. Initially she loved going for her classes. But slowly, she lost interest. There were tantrums, blackmails, scoldings, but nothing worked. She would go, because she wasn’t given a choice, but she was miserable. We continued week after week, but then we stopped. Our afternoons were spent more happily, reading, painting, crafting and sometimes doing nothing…knowing that there was no piano or french class to go to.

~ Travelling should be a priority. After paying the school fee, the installment for the car and the monthly expenses, anything that is left behind should be saved for travels. Big or small. Travelling with zoey has always been a pleasure. Somehow I feel that after every trip she grows up some more. Yes, mentally and physically.

~ The last two years, post Noor’s birth, me and Zoey had become the best enemies. She thought I was the most horrible mama and I assumed that suddenly she should start acting like shes 12 instead of 5. But then one day it hit me how wrong I was. And I learnt that even though she was older, she was still a child and needed her alone time with me. We both are on better terms now. We use our words to express our feelings. And communicate . Rather than shutting each other out.

~ Lying should be a complete no no. I learnt this the hard way. Zoey had severe constipation issues when she was 3. And sometimes only suppositories would help. And she hated those. Once, only once I told her I was checking something and shoved up a suppository. She’s going to be 7 in a day inshallah and she still remembers that. Everytime she’s doubtful about something she turns to me to ask if I am lying. Its very very hurtful to hear that from her. But I learnt. I use my words more discreetly, but I make it a point to not lie.

Life has been amazing since zoey come around. For everyone reading please say a little prayer for her!




Somewhat broken me

I have written and rewritten and then erased and then tried to write once more but words have failed me. This is so so true. It’s hit me in such a positive way, I want to cry!

Have a lovely rest of the week.



I very recently started fulltime work. With both the kids at school, my mornings are relatively free-er. So, after a lot of thought and pondering, what seemed like a good decision is to get back into the grind. The plus point this time around too,  is that the kids can be with me post school hours. Though we are not cuddling all the time or reading books after books, but its reassuring to know that they are around, busy doing their own thing. I like to look up and see them playing (rarely) or fighting (very often). But the feeling of knowing they are around is enough to make me work harder.

But this is my side of the story. Zoey might think otherwise. She loves coming to office, but I think she also misses us being at home, lounging and lazing. The fact that her room is easily accessible at all given times and she can pick and choose whatever book she wants is comforting for her. I don’t blame her. But I don’t agree the way she chooses to show her opinion. Understood that she’s only 6, well, almost 7, but shes still a child. She sometimes throws a tantrum. Will talk in a tone which is not acceptable or do something which irritates the life out of me. So, after alot of talking to myself and explaining that she’s still a child and will take time to adjust to a new situation, I have come to a point where I use my words. Sternly, softly and powerfully. Trying not to scold. But get my message across. Yesterday, after an exhausting morning and afternoon we came back home. Zoey was in a foul mood for whatever reason and asking for my attention by all the wrong means. Not wanting to loose my cool, I just sat her down and explained to her how I am upset and not liking her attitude. Closing the discussion telling her that I didnt want to talk to her till she sorted out her behavior. 20 mins later, I got a note from her. And we hugged and kissed. And decided how using our words is the best way to move forward. I must add, its a better day today Alhumdulillah.



Do you feel at home?

Yes, finally I do.

My new work space. A profession I am not too familiar with. People I am not used to, services that I am learning about. Eventually, after two years of hiatus, I am ready to confess that I feel at home. And ready to conquer the world. Maybe, its the fact that I can revolve my work around my kids activities, or knowing that the manuscript I poured my heart into has finally come to a point where I can now cut the umbilical cord, or accepting the fact that selling cars will help me make more pocket money or maybe I am going through a phase where I want to learn something new in life. I really don’t know.

Whatever it is, it has finally helped me to feel at home.

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Me and my thoughts today

Sports day in pre school, take two today. I must admit that I love the concept of every child being a winner. I wish this is what primary and secondary school would be all about. I wish we as a community would instill in our kids that enjoying the journey is more important than the destination. That it’s ok to lag behind in the rat race. To accept that it’s ok to have no interest in algebra or geometry (I never used that after school, anyways). I wish this world was a place without boundaries and passports. And I wish we could own a caravan and go globetrotting. Now, that would be a life well lived.


The christmas-ey Shoot

Everytime I have a shoot that involves kids, my heart starts beating harder, my thoughts start racing faster and my prep starts the day the shoot is confirmed. This shoot was special. I used to work for this couple (teach photography to their students), so there was already a relationship that existed. They had kids, which meant that I needed to be prepared accordingly. And it was a family shoot which meant I needed to gel in into their dynamics, flawlessly. Chocolates, bubbles, a dozen email exchanges later, I can happily say that this was one of the most fun shoots I have done to date.

Today is what we have

One year ago, today, the tragedy struck. I can’t imagine what this one year must have been for the people who lost their loved ones. Today, let’s take a moment and pray for the families who went through the calamity. Let’s hug our kids harder, cuddle more and spend some time tickling. Life is too short. Let’s spend it doing on things that matter.