Its a condition, not an illness

What I am going to post about is something that I have been mentally blogging about. Somehow, I just never had the courage to write about it or to put it in words. Maybe, I hadnt accepted it. But I think now I am ready. This blog post is going to be long, let me warn you. And under no circumstances am I writing this to gain sympathy. The only reason I blog today is because a) I need to get this out of my system and b) maybe this post of mine will give strength to someone who needs it.

In 2007, when I got married, I really had no idea what I was getting into. The only thing I was sure about was the fact that I was going to be with a guy who I had been in love with and that was enough to keep me going. The first year and a half were amazing. Even though hubby was on medication (which at that time I didnt know was how important), our honeymoon period was still great. We travelled, made plans, worked, earned and travelled some more. In between, we would visit Aga Khan to see hubby’s shrink and keep a check on medication. Life was great, Alhumdulillah.

In 2009 May, we were expecting our first born. In August 2008, the doctor decided to take hubby off medication and see how he would cope. 

It was December 2008, when things started changing. Hubbys attitude changed, mood swings were frequent and everything was eratic. I felt my world was going to collapse. And that is exactly what I didnt need at that point in time. Schizophrenia, Bi Polar, Manic depressive were all words that were frequented in conversations.

In this episode, I was divorced, hated and shunned off. I wasnt scared, but scarred. This was the first time I was exposed to Bi Polarity. I really didnt know what to do. And nothing helped except for the fact that there was a higher being who was taking care of me.

I dont want to go back to that time. Let’s just say that it’s the darkest before dawn. Things became better and we moved on in our life smoothly. 

It was 2012 October, when hubby again decided to leave his medication. This time, it was his own decision. No amount of convincing helped. Life moved on. But it was April this year, when the effect of medication started wearing off. Let’s just say it was a very traumatic time. Hubby got hospitalized. How he got there, is something I want to erase from my memory for all times to come. Every time I close my eyes, the same scene floats in front of me. If this is what it did to me, I really don’t know what hubby must have gone through.

To cut a long story short, the past month has been very very testing. Friends suggested I leave him and go my way, after all kids should be my priority. I won’t lie saying that leaving him never crossed my mind. It did. But it never convinced me. How could I leave someone who I married because I loved. And apart from the episodes he’s a wonderful husband and even a wonderfuller father. True, these episodes leave me drained and bitter, but its time and I am back on track. His parents didn’t leave him when they found out he was Bi Polar, neither the siblings. I couldn’t leave him either, more for myself than him. 

His once doctor looked me in the eye and told me, Kanwal dont ever leave him and go. He’ll be shattered. And I told him the same. 

Our life is still not back on track. But we are taking baby steps and trying to gather it all back. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s been a learning time for me too. The most important thing being that medication will not cure Bi Polarity, but it will help the person lead a healthy life. And under no circumstances should the medication be messed with.

People with this condition need love. Endless love. and that’s what makes their world go around.

Support system is vital. and so is talking out ideas and opinions.

And most importantly, for me atleast the thing that kept me going was my faith. If it was not for that I think I would have collapsed a long time ago.

As I write this, simultaneously in another window I am writing to a shrink to ask why there are no ambulance services to take such patients to the hospital. As getting them to a facility is the most traumatic thing that the family and the patient have to go through. As we as a nation move forward, this is something that needs to be taken care off. I would love to contribute in any way that I can. But this cause is something that needs attention.


22 thoughts on “Its a condition, not an illness

  1. Big hug, Kanwal. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh (that’s the kind of hug that even takes the phoonk out of the person doing the hugging – if I’m not around to deliver one, please refer to Maha). I am very, very glad you wrote this. Please know that I am here for you whenever you need me. Love.

  2. You are amazingly brave, both of you are. Life hands us challenges and they can break us or make us look things squarely in the face. I honour you for lifting the veil and discussing things that are difficult and are usually spoken about in hushed tones. And love…..what would we not do for love? Everyone deserves a chance to be a parent;Some need more help than others. I wish you both the absolute best on your journey. Lots of love.

  3. Kanwal, let me know if you need me for anything, anytime. You know this offer stands till forever 🙂 I think you are a very strong and brave woman. May Allah be always with you…

  4. I did not had a clue about the magnet you have.. why you have a particuler attraction for kind hearts and why does the soul tries to invade your world! you appeared as a gentle lady on my life’s canvas and today i am acknowledging your being as a complete Woman. I am proud on sharing my gender with you.. brave lady … great writeup.. heart touching.. May Allah Rabbulizzat bless you and your family health and happiness all the way from his kindness,Ameen!
    I am sure you will never let “him” fall.. and Allah tala will hold you guys forever! ♥ always there for you. *love&hugs*

  5. First time commenting here.i am sure you know that you are a very brave girl.i recently read a book called a marriage plot(may be you would like to read it too) and it explained so much about being married to someone with this condition.i ,myself, am suffering from depression on and off for years and i know that it is no would you answer your husband when he asks what is wrong and you have nothing to say in return.the sadness is so deep and people just do not understand the cause.
    I am proud of you to write this difficult post.

  6. A big hug and lots of duas for you guys ! May Allah give you strength and himmat and sabr!! In sha Allah everything will be fine. Love you

  7. WOW Kanwal, it is so strange how one can know some one and not know at all, i truly wish I was closer to support you, but I have to say writing all this down takes so much courage, but we all have that in us and only tough times help us really know who we are. Be strong and be brave and if you truly really luv Uzair stick by him and Allah will help you, but remember you have to be strong but for your self and ur daughter. May Allah bless all three of you with ng not just for himunlimited happiness

  8. kanwal, you are a brave woman, and you make me an even stronger believer that women are just about the strongest rocks one can ever hope to find. Our ability to love, forgive, hate, forget, and still persevere amazes me. I see it in so many women around me. I cant imagine how hard this has been for you, but i can imagine how many lives you have probably affected by talking out loud.

  9. Ur one of the kind-hearted person I’ve come across and definitely the strongest!
    May Allah provide u with more strength n determination to sail thru this difficult time.
    Stay the way u r: always smiling! *hugggg*

  10. kat. I love you, and we can talk as i have been through hard times too, but its the faith in Allah keeps us going. And HE did pull me out from troubles. And thats what keeping u strong too; trust me we can talk!! Talk the hell out of ourselves. Luv u loads. 😥 😀

  11. I can imagine, what you are going through, I have gone through a similar situation and tell you that, you are the most important factor in your husband’s condition to improve or deteriorate.

    Something which will give you alot of perspective and understanding would be this great book that I read: Living With Someone Who’s Living With Bipolar Disorder: A Practical Guide for Family, Friends, and Coworkers.

    or Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner

    Living With Someone Who’s Living With Bipolar Disorder: A Practical Guide for Family, Friends, and Coworkers

    • Amir, thank you so much for sharing this. Where can I get these books from?

      Everyone, thank you so much for your love and support! 🙂

  12. Kanwal, as Afia said, refer to me whenever in need of a suffocatingly big hug. You are a vary strong woman and your faith will keep you strong always. Im there for you anytime anywhere. You both stay strong, always. Love.

  13. Lots of prayers going your way! I cannot even begin to imagine how traumatic this journey must have been! Wishing your family many happy and peaceful moments!

  14. Hugs and wish you all the very best for life. Your post made us learn to be brave. Everyone opts for easy way out, but few dare to face the Life in its full form, Hope Allah bless u and ur family health, strength and courage to go through this. AMeen

  15. 🙂 What a strange thing this universe is. Day before yesterday I found out about someone I know and whose in my life and is bipolar. And i googled it, and read up and didn’t find as many answers as I had questions. Your blog is a much real-er picture. Strength your way for writing it. I am sure it was a liberating experience to write some of the pain, burden away and add some more pride and faith!

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