What I am going to post about is something that I have been mentally blogging about. Somehow, I just never had the courage to write about it or to put it in words. Maybe, I hadnt accepted it. But I think now I am ready. This blog post is going to be long, let me warn you. And under no circumstances am I writing this to gain sympathy. The only reason I blog today is because a) I need to get this out of my system and b) maybe this post of mine will give strength to someone who needs it.
In 2007, when I got married, I really had no idea what I was getting into. The only thing I was sure about was the fact that I was going to be with a guy who I had been in love with and that was enough to keep me going. The first year and a half were amazing. Even though hubby was on medication (which at that time I didnt know was how important), our honeymoon period was still great. We travelled, made plans, worked, earned and travelled some more. In between, we would visit Aga Khan to see hubby’s shrink and keep a check on medication. Life was great, Alhumdulillah.
In 2009 May, we were expecting our first born. In August 2008, the doctor decided to take hubby off medication and see how he would cope.
It was December 2008, when things started changing. Hubbys attitude changed, mood swings were frequent and everything was eratic. I felt my world was going to collapse. And that is exactly what I didnt need at that point in time. Schizophrenia, Bi Polar, Manic depressive were all words that were frequented in conversations.
In this episode, I was divorced, hated and shunned off. I wasnt scared, but scarred. This was the first time I was exposed to Bi Polarity. I really didnt know what to do. And nothing helped except for the fact that there was a higher being who was taking care of me.
I dont want to go back to that time. Let’s just say that it’s the darkest before dawn. Things became better and we moved on in our life smoothly.
It was 2012 October, when hubby again decided to leave his medication. This time, it was his own decision. No amount of convincing helped. Life moved on. But it was April this year, when the effect of medication started wearing off. Let’s just say it was a very traumatic time. Hubby got hospitalized. How he got there, is something I want to erase from my memory for all times to come. Every time I close my eyes, the same scene floats in front of me. If this is what it did to me, I really don’t know what hubby must have gone through.
To cut a long story short, the past month has been very very testing. Friends suggested I leave him and go my way, after all kids should be my priority. I won’t lie saying that leaving him never crossed my mind. It did. But it never convinced me. How could I leave someone who I married because I loved. And apart from the episodes he’s a wonderful husband and even a wonderfuller father. True, these episodes leave me drained and bitter, but its time and I am back on track. His parents didn’t leave him when they found out he was Bi Polar, neither the siblings. I couldn’t leave him either, more for myself than him.
His once doctor looked me in the eye and told me, Kanwal dont ever leave him and go. He’ll be shattered. And I told him the same.
Our life is still not back on track. But we are taking baby steps and trying to gather it all back. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s been a learning time for me too. The most important thing being that medication will not cure Bi Polarity, but it will help the person lead a healthy life. And under no circumstances should the medication be messed with.
People with this condition need love. Endless love. and that’s what makes their world go around.
Support system is vital. and so is talking out ideas and opinions.
And most importantly, for me atleast the thing that kept me going was my faith. If it was not for that I think I would have collapsed a long time ago.
As I write this, simultaneously in another window I am writing to a shrink to ask why there are no ambulance services to take such patients to the hospital. As getting them to a facility is the most traumatic thing that the family and the patient have to go through. As we as a nation move forward, this is something that needs to be taken care off. I would love to contribute in any way that I can. But this cause is something that needs attention.